Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
