no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
