Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
