I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
