Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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