Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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