if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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