Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Randomize
