take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
