tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
