Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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