I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
