census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
