He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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