none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
