I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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