Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
