I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
