she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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