oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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