I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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