That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
