At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
