You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Randomize
