how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
His hands were made for my vagina.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
