Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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