Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
