the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
If I die, sorry about rent.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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