Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
