The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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