She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Mom said you looked used
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
