I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
