the condom got lost in my hair
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
