just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
