Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
