What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Is this like a preordered booty call?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
