Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
