You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
