i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
