rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
