I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
