He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
