She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
