my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
