I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
