Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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