In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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