instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
