Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
