she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
